Many times parents ask me to give it to them "straight" when seeking help for temper tantrums. They want help now!
As a Licensed Psychologist, I try to give them the most important information first because I never know how long I will hold their attention. Here is the first lesson I always offer parents when teaching them my Tantrum Fixer approach.
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Key Point: "Where you keep investing your attention, your child will keep investing their energy."
Please sit with that for a moment, because it is truly the most powerful lesson you can master here.
So How Does This Work?
Where your attention (repeatedly and consistently) goes, their energy flows.
This simple statement reflects the primary way that you directly shape your child's behavior and emotions. This principle does not reflect a short term, immediate fix approach to behavior change.
Instead, this principle reflects the power of your attention...the power of your love...to shape your child's behavior.
In practical terms, this statement can be translated as follows:
What behavior or emotion you consistently give attention to...that behavior or emotion must expand over time. It must get bigger!
It doesn't matter whether the behavior you are "investing in" is healthy or unhealthy. It doesn't matter if the behavior is pleasant or unpleasant. It doesn't matter if you like the emotion being expressed, or whether you dislike it. Just remember this: Consistently engage it. And It MUST grow.
The behavior or emotion has no choice. If you keep noticing it, and giving your attention to it, that behavior must grow. IT'S THE LAW. The more that you consistently give attention to any behavior, your children learn to put more and more of their energy into that behavior.
Keep in mind: It does not matter what your words or your actions are. It only matters whether or not you give attention to the behavior.
Let's talk reality for a moment: How does this work against you?
Your daughter starts to whine, and you ask her to stop. She whines louder to get what she wants. You ask her (louder this time) to stop. She then stops to stomp her feet a bit, and you look at her very firmly, and say "stop that." She glares back, and starts to jump up and down.
You get very frustrated, and yell firmly, "I SAID STOP THAT!!"
She starts crying now, and stomping her feet, and jumping up and down.
In your frustration, you now start to plead and cry, and ask her to calm down. She seems to ignore you. So you keep trying to calm her. Perhaps you gently touch her, and get on her level to connect.
For a few seconds, you get her attention, but as soon as she realizes she is not getting what she wants, an all out meltdown occurs.
You now feel worried for her, try to soothe again. This is followed by frustrations, attempted time outs.
What Really Happened Here?
Forget what it appears to be. Here is what really happened.
When your daughter whined, you gave attention. When she got worse, she got more of your attention. When she spiraled downward out of control, even more attention. At the meltdown phase, she got all of mom's attention.
What Does This Mean For You?
If you have a child who tantrums, you can change that pattern fast. The first step is to change how your child is getting your attention. NOTHING else will make a long term difference at home until you master this "law at attention" and start to use it in your favor.
If you ignore this law, your tantrums will get worse. Learn to master it, and the other principles in my Tantrum Fixer Program and you will get rid of tantrums in less than a week.
Black Friday Delta Children's Products Riley Mini Crib - Dark Cherry 2011 Deals
Nov 15, 2011 05:06:35
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